*mops up wine with cat*
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let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
we’re gonna need another temp
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
hmmm
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD