*mops up wine with cat*
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Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car
Chicago sounds lovely.
the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old
