@nicfit75

*mops up wine with cat*

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@kathybotteas

All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.

@stevevsninjas

So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.

@ericONEderful

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

@fro_vo

Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything

@mejustbeth

Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.

@li4mst3w4rt

my reaction to stepping in dog shit is identical to me logging onto facebook…

@chrissyteigen

I don’t like charging my phone on the plane because a large part of me feels like I am sucking energy and power from the engine

@Marlebean

“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”

{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.

@electrolemon

damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]

@TomSchally

The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.