@nicfit75

*mops up wine with cat*

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@continentlbkfst

CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office

*gasps*

CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet

*laughter*

CIA: also someone in here leaked info

*gasps*

CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party

*laughter*

CIA: also someone’s a spy

@ObscureGent

When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.

@Turbo_Jimmy

UK: we call them films, after the traditional recording process using photographic film

USA: WE CALL THEM MOVIES BECAUSE THEM PHOTOS MOVE

@BuckyIsotope

What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes

@NotLane

“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”

-Bob Ross, Mob Boss

@Tierno158

I invented a game where people get so stoned they can barely walk & chase each other around the yard.

It’s called…wait for it: Hash Tag.

@Parkerlawyer

Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.

Me: *they’re.

@aka_fatman

*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*

“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”

@HenpeckedHal

Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.

@Megatronic13

My kid: I’ll look

Me: No, no one is going to look

Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-

Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON