All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
*mops up wine with cat*
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So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
my reaction to stepping in dog shit is identical to me logging onto facebook…
I don’t like charging my phone on the plane because a large part of me feels like I am sucking energy and power from the engine
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
no. please don’t go.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.