CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
CIA: also someone’s a spy
*mops up wine with cat*
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When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
UK: we call them films, after the traditional recording process using photographic film
USA: WE CALL THEM MOVIES BECAUSE THEM PHOTOS MOVE
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
I invented a game where people get so stoned they can barely walk & chase each other around the yard.
It’s called…wait for it: Hash Tag.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON