Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?

Trooper: State Police identify yourself

Me: Police identify yourself

Trooper: State Police

Me: Police

I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.

i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”

i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”

he ain’t laugh

I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.

I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.

Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.

there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord

Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?

My doctor says I should try running with scissors.

Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.

87.5% of marriage is just marriag.

Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.

I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.

I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.

However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.

#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes

guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name

Me: That is a dank whale

Date: That’s a killer whale

Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce

[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos

1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible

-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.

My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.

what’s in a name?

Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”

the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal

I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.