a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
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You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
first you must answer his riddles