(more comics:
You Might Also Like
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f
Me: k, I’ll check for sure
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need