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[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Yup
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.