Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.

Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:

If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here

Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader

Tracklist for Donda 2

1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D

You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.

I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba

this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow

Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker

[Therapy]

Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?

Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.

Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.

city officials are like “those potholes are supposed to be there.”

Me: I only want two strips of bacon.

Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.

Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat

Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!

*looks gift horse in the mouth

Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.

me: can we stop at olive garden

mom: we have family at home

Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.

“I wouldn’t.”

[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT

I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.

Purse Rules:

1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses

2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs

If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.

[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?

Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”

I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”

not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?