More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
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kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.