Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?

All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.

FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”

Let’s walk barefoot on grass!

-People who have never walked a dog

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.

Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.

Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.

Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…

…for the 22nd time.

I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.

[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.

👽

WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral

FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate

My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”

You guys just tried it, didn’t you?

waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined

me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money

Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.

(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow

Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”

One of these days, the Roomba mothership will send out a signal and none of us will have toes.

It do be feeling this way.

Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams

Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop

If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.

I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.

I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.

dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.

It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes