More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
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My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Worth the read.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
IT’S-A ME,
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.