More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
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Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no