You Might Also Like
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.