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I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.