More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
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before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
*swipes right on my hand mirror
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?