More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
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that lip filler tho
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Jail
