More like Kate Missington.
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A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.