Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*

*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*

Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.

I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.

I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.

Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?

“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed

Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky

Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more

You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.

A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

Me when I’m making a big pot of soup: haha fuck yeah!! Yes!!
Me when I have to clean the big pot I used to make the soup: well this f***ing sucks. What the f**k

If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza

(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast

In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh

RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.

My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine

Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.

I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads

My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling

Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.

I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.

nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.

[Sits on chair backwards]

Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.

So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.

The human body is 70% water and 30% land

“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”

My 2 year old woke up.

5 minutes of “Mommy!”

5 minutes of “Mommy?”

Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.