More like Kate Missington.
You Might Also Like
Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.