More like Kate Missington.
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I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,
be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.