Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

British drink offers for guests:

“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”

anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench

Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed

DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.

Inspirational Tweet:

Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.

Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.

They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.

Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.

*watches him dance*

*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex

Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.

{first date}

HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?

Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.

I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.

I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”

All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.

A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.

I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.

*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*

Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.

Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.

[first date]

Me: I don’t like flowers

Her: orchids?

Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family

I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

piñata: harder daddy

me: [lifts blindfold] what

piñata: let me wear the blindfold

I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS