More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
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The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
My kitchen overserved me.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨