Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.

me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted

my house: what’s this about extra money?

Why enunciation matters:

9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers

Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???

9yo: …BOXES!

I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.

It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.

… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.

I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.

magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]

I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.

If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”

Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field

I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.

It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Breaking news:

You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…

-my wife telling a story

One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.

My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.

I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:

“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”

You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”

Gross if literal…Liverpool

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.

Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?

Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?

Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*

Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣

We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.

[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.

20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf