Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Amazon.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Shipping. Go to sleep.

It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.

no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them

Me *sneezes*

My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF

I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.

I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

a haunted house called blood bath & beyond

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake

Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?

[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!

darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay

scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10

scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves

Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.

Me: *getting struck by lightning*

Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?

Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.

Me: And another thing…

Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.

If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.

Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?

People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.

4: When will I stop growing?

Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.

4: But you still grow.

Me: No I don’t.

4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.

Me:

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.

I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.

[showing off scars]

ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember

HER: that’s your bellybutton

People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat

I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.