More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
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dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?
Because there are more birds on that side
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
buying dead houseplants to save time
“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school