More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
You Might Also Like
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Stop
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal