More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
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lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery