More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
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I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
How it started: How it’s going:
