More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
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You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
so logan paul and jake paul are different people?
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down