Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door

Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.

I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.

[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]

Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.

[slowly puts second tub in cart]

My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.

Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns

Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!

Harry: *y’er

BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday

COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off

ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day

Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.

MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.

Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant

👀

The legends speak of a third Duran…

The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.

Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.

What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.

Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.

My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear

It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:

Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?

Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line

Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.

Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti

ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…

“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”

And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..

Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach

I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”

Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?

Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself