More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
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Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t