“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
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HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”