“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
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[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Maybe the reason violence never solves anything is cuz theres never enough of it, you dont know.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Only you can prevent podcasts
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
I love this❤️😁👍
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
selena gomez
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM