“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
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“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Couldn’t recommend it enough.
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.