Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.

Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?

Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.

The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them

Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.

I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.

much to think about

No, you’re not getting it your honor

My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

[marriage counseling]

He barely knows who I am anymore

“That’s not true, Karen”

LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA

me: *blows a raspberry*

raspberry: ah yea baby

going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan

[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN

Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…

With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.

Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you

Me: Where was he?

Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car

Me *impressed* he really went for it

Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?

Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved

[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww

My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more

Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho

What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.

PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.

My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are

I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves

Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.

Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.