Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.

“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.

Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this

me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink

judge: no

Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.

Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE

Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …

and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.

Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]

Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?

Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅

911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY

Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?

I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.

I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.

Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.

*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks*

*wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*

My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint

Married with Children was much funnier on TV.

Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online

God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”

My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered

Me: [getting mugged]

THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK

BOSS: Can I see you in my office?

INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you

My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.

Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.

“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”

“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?

You don’t know what you’re missing

I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]