More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
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My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
me doing my best
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.