More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
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met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?
it takes so much energy
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.