Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that

My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.

Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.

if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.

If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.

Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]

My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?

During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.

Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.

Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.

son: how did I get my name

me: *holds up baby name book*

son: ugh terrible

me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526

Water: can you do me a solid?

God: sure *turns it into ice*

If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist

I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.

[First Date]

*staring up at the stars

Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”

Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”

*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”

If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.

“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”

“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”

LG: Plastic?

Samsung: Metal?

iPhone 8: What about Glass?

We all have our pet causes.

H: What is that you’re having for lunch?

Me: fruit salad

H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.

Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*

Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?

Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly

*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*

The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.

Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades

Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this

If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends

[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE