More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,
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Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.