Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.

Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.

Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠

Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.

ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.

HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?

ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.

*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*

Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.

Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.

10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.

When I snag the last meatball.

ME: we sure have one great kid

WIFE: we have two kids

ME: yes we do

My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.

drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up

I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”

A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>

*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*

I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.

me: *knocking* hello is anyone home

mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock

me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood

I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.

Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.

This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.

The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy

“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.

My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.

Previously On Persistence 😎

There are 2 types of buyers in me:

1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago

2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??

If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you

*Puts on angry eyebrows*

I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?

gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”

me:

I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.