More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,
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Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?