“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
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Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
“fuck you and the horse you rode in on” is a top tier saying like idk what the horse did but fuck them too for bringing ur ass here
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.