Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Patient: When I broke my hip, you were there for me.
When I fell, you were there for me.
When I got MRSA you were there for me. And now that I’m dying, here you are again. Do you know what I think of that?
Me: What?
Patient: I think you’re bad luck!

As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.

*a plane missed the runway

This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.

“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them

*bludgeons you with a block of cheese

*eats evidence

I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…

Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it

WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?

ME: Actually I think it was-

*cat makes throat slice gesture*

-the wind

I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.

I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.

Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.

Wife: I’m heading to work.

6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.

That’s not ominous at all.

I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.

I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me

‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress

Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup

me: that guy is half drunk

Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him

Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.

Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.

I bought a CD today.

Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.

5: are there people coming tomorrow?

me: no why?

5: well you guys cleaned the house

The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.

“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”

Taxidermy is invented.

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.