Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.

daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

[Record Shop]

Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?

Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.

If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,

I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.

I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—

My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???

At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.

No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.

My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.

When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.

I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.

Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.

Me: Okay.

computer: choose new password

math teacher: algebra

computer: password must contain numbers

math teacher: algebraXY

The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time

A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this

I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?

I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase

Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?

Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.

Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.

If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.

My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”

Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.

JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.