Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”

My kid: “I love presents.”

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.

If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.

My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks

Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.

My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life

[Quarantine]

Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.

Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?

Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES

A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

I disagree with my politics

PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]

“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.

Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!

Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure

Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!

Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.

Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”

Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.

I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back

Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.

Shank you.

– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery

Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me

PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.

If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.

WIFE: Where are you off to?

ME: Shits & giggles.

WIFE: What?

ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.

Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?

Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.

Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.

I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.

I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.

I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’