Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*

Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….

Me: Shit.

Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”

I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.

This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.

‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.

Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.

“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up

If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio

Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party

god: ..and this part is your crust

earth: i’m a pizza 🙂

god: no that’s-

earth: everybody loves pizza 😀

god: but

earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)

god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing

{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.

“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.

WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.

[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?

At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.

*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*

love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face

HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.

ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?

What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.

doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark

me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right

doctor: you no longer have legs

me: just like a shark

soft pretzels only come 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?

Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!

getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony

I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh