My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
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Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.