More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
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horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in
am i cooked
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”