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M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..