more water
You Might Also Like
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.