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Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners