Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
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“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
this country is so goddamn polarized
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Milk Cube
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing