Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah!

[After spending a week with me]

Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?

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“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.


Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]


It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.


wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off


[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet


Cashier: Cute kid, how old?
Mom: Thank you, 28 months & 4days. What’s my total?
Cashier: Your total is 756 quarters & 8 dimes.



There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.


Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.