[Day 1 of school at home]
8:32 am: Kids ate breakfast; school work started; this is easy
8:38 am: 2 kids yelling at each other; 1 kid in tears; shortage of looseleaf paper discovered; dog whining; online passwords not working; house on fire; zombies in backyard; meteors falling
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah!
[After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
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“Are you ok?”
Never heard of him
How disturbingly inappropriate would it be if “Thomas the Tank Engine” was set in early-1940s Germany? #ThomasDieKleineLokomotive
Procrastination is a dish best served tomorrow.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Thank you.
There’s a guy sitting here on a typewriter. A typewriter. I don’t know if he’s a hipster or a ghost but either way I want no part of it.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
“So tell me what you want, what you really, really want” – a hilarious waiter taking a Spice Girl’s order