Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
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I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin