@ArfMeasures

Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah!

[After spending a week with me]

Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?

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@shadenfreude5

[Day 1 of school at home]

8:32 am: Kids ate breakfast; school work started; this is easy

8:38 am: 2 kids yelling at each other; 1 kid in tears; shortage of looseleaf paper discovered; dog whining; online passwords not working; house on fire; zombies in backyard; meteors falling

@natedeschaine

How disturbingly inappropriate would it be if “Thomas the Tank Engine” was set in early-1940s Germany? #ThomasDieKleineLokomotive

@KalvinMacleod

HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over

ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over

@VolatileVani

There’s a guy sitting here on a typewriter. A typewriter. I don’t know if he’s a hipster or a ghost but either way I want no part of it.

@OctopusCaveman

Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president

@KKAlThani

“So tell me what you want, what you really, really want” – a hilarious waiter taking a Spice Girl’s order