Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things

realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid

wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at

Sunday Family Dinner:

Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?

Me: Isn’t that your third husband?

MIL:

M:

MIL:

M: Gravy?

I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life

A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.

At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”

I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.

My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.

My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.

A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀

I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.

Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.

Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.

[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.

Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.

Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.

Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:

M-What do I have to do?

F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.

Mission accomplished.

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?

friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.

me: ooh how often do you water that.

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.

Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed

Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?

Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

*deletes your contact information*

Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.

Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*

Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!

last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great

boys are so easy to impress