MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
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PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job