“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
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If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Never forget.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Very good news from my accountant
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here