[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
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*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail