Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*

If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: ok

ME: APRIL FOOL’S

Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”

Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh

upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case

Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams

Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….

been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.

if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados

Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?

Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.

Me:

Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….

I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?

spouse: what are you doing

me: i’m writing a pilot

spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂

me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?

My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital

If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.

What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.

I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.

I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.

A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.

Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?

Me: we met at a nickelback conc-

Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder

Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.

These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.

My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night

My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

Satan: What’s that?

God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.

Satan: I see. *invents screaming*

God: lol good one!