[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
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I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn
PDF: *pops up at 176%*
Why are you yelling at me
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line