Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz

You said imagine my life without you…

So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.

[scene of car accident]

bystander: is your baby ok

me: no he’s a complete jerk

Me: How was school?

Toddler: Candice has a different mom.

Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.

9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”

9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”

First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face

A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name

Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?

5: Pencils. Duh.

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*

I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.

The French really did the “this is fine” meme.

Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.

When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.

I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.

I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.

Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,

I found my bagpipes for tonight.

[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”

never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement

“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.

Daughter: are ghosts real?

Me: no.

Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.

Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.

The Universe can have my atoms back.

I don’t want them anymore.

This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married