Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood

Stop sending me this shit.

[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless

Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.

HERE’S MARKY

If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.

Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away

Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.

Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118

[in car]

7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd

*5 minutes later*

7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”

Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨

12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.

Me: What was your objective?

12: To be done with my school project.

Nailed it.

Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!

DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.

Genie: One wish left

Me: I wish I was cool

Genie: Your wish is granted

⛄️: Wait not like this

earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads

I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.

after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.

That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.

“I want her skin.”

-Serial killers and teenage girls

*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*

WE ARET HROUGH

maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*

ROUGH WEATHER

whoa better pack an umbrella

Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.

I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.

[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean