Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.

All right stop, coagulate and thicken

If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.

—cats in Christmas trees

If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.

What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?

A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine

Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.

So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on

This egg could use more egg

– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce

I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.

If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.

Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or

*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these

As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.

Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.

why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe

I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work

Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.

I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades

No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”

barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach

I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.

white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken

My boss called in sick of me