[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
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Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.