Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.

I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.

I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.

keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break

“I need to get laid man!”

– eggs (in the chicken)

me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.

(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions

my new hobby

creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people

– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches

ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?

NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not

ME: I’m getting to that

I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.

I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!

Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!

I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney

(Business)

Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.

Bob: I have a better idea.

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.

“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.

I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.

6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.

“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!

Become a minion. Get that bread.

The Person Who Discovered Sharks

Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.

[blind date]

Her: so what do you do for fu..

Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE