@MarfSalvador

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

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@sixfootcandy

Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?

@Terdoh

Eat, Pray, Love was such a boring movie, I watched it on a plane and people still walked out.

@SamSykesSwears

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

@BastardProphet

You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.

@weinerdog4life

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

@lilgapeach32

Stop, collaborate and listen. Manda’s back with news from the kitchen. Calories grab a hold of me tightly I want nachos daily and nightly…

@caithuls

COP: License and registration please

ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs