Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.

Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.

teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that

Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?

Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?

Cop:Lol, nevermind

ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work

WIFE: Why

ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom

WIFE: so kill it

ME:[whispering] its got my gun

[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?

If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!

Wife: Can you turn on the computer?

Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]

Wife: why for everything

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore

911: Could you hide in the closet?

Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!

911: Under the bed?

Me: I can’t fit!!

Son: Coming ready or not

Me: shit

911: shit

nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple

(flirting with the waitress) so how hot does the oven have to be to melt the tuna?

Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.

I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.

My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.

The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.

It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much

15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated

aaaaand send

“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”

Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess

[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]

Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.

6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?

I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.

I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.