<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
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My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring