Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book

My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.

Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.

If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.

Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”

Ian: “What makes you say that?”

Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”

Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”

Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.

The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?

the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence

Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.

If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.

[watching 13 Reasons Why]

WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die

ME: I know, crazy! Only 13

WIFE: What?

ME: What?

Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

He’s making his list…He’s checkin’ it twice.

He left it at home.

He’s texting his wife.

9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:

Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*

next level snooze

Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?

baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines

I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.

When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?

A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid

[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me

There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.

People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!

People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?

*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*

I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.