Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.

promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up

[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.

What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day

I’m so single…..

When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.

If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!

[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO

Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.

[Inside my stomach]

Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.

This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..

This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available

The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk

This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen

No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.

How times have changed.

if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago

*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*

Barista: Latte for Waldo

Barista: Do we have a Waldo here

Barista: Where’s Waldo

Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that

Answer my phone? No thanks.

I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.

ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.

Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing

People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!

I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.

Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator

THAT is an influencer

I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.

I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still

8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?

Me: Not since you were born.

You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.

me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me

student: professor?

me: shit

I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.