Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me the second it drops below 70 degrees

I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.

[Lori Loughlin trial]

JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?

LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis

JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: I’ll allow it

If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.

“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out

[watching Tangled with my Daughter]

Daughter: dada

Me: yes?

Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?

Me: I mean-I do now.

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.

Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?

Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.

Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.

Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?

A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.

writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill

editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on

writer: well, they go up a hill

editor: i’m already bored

writer: to fetch a pail of water

editor: kill me

writer: no trust me it gets better

Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”

A great first step 😂

In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.

Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.

[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE

Day 27 without sports:

Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.

Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”

Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”

Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”

I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.

I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.

He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.

there has never been a better use of this meme

Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.

I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’

Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?

Me: I don’t know, CAN you?

*High-fives high school English teacher*

hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall

Wife: Can you turn on the oven?

Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]

Wife: why for everything