[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
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just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
dogs can find happiness so easily
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less