Mormon cats have 9 wives.
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cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Not sure if whoever designed parking garages is an architectural genius or sadist
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.