Mormon cats have 9 wives.
You Might Also Like
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?