Mormon cats have 9 wives.
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Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?