Mormon cats have 9 wives.
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Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable