Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your honor my client doesn’t like jail

On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.

[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*

reverse psychology? that’ll never work

facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?

911: What’s your emergency?

I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!

911: Are you being tortured?

They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair

911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?

friend: what r u up to

me: eating 3 pounds of pasta

friend: what r u training for

me: eating 5

I’m thinking about giving up sugar.

Ok. I’m done thinking about it.

Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?

Me: I think we should see other people.

*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?

Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe

There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.

babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird

Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69

corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-

me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”

Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!

You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…

Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?

Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together

Therapist: No

Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows

Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.

One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!

I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.

I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.

So can we start calling them Traylor now?

How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine

Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..